So this is when we leave behind the old and face the new? I don't know. I can accept I need to let go of things in the past and process the trauma and hurt, but I cannot let go of this person I love. It is funny because he has slipped and said he loves me since we split. If you do love me, please show it. Please see my hurt and how this time I am going to make the effort to get help and come to my side as I save myself. He has giving me chances to get it together, but I just didn't. One reason or another I thought I could get this under control. You see years ago they though I had just depression and anxiety. They knew I had PTSD, but we only focused on the depression and anxiety and never fully processed the trauma and the hurt so all that pain was stuffed down again and I only learned coping skills. But like a beach ball underwater, that pain popped back up from new triggers.
Well now I have to process as much as I hate too. Lately I have meditated over many bible verses and start to pray. I am not the wordy sounds poetic prayer kind of person, but I am emotional and expressive. I give thanks every morning, I ask for strength, I ask for guidance, I ask for clarity, and I pray that his heart be touched as well. Because if he really does love me than I truly need his support now. I was not perfect, but I have done a lot for him. I think the giving left me empty because I felt like I wasn't getting anything back. At least not like we had in the beginning of our relationship. There was a lot of time together, talking about us and the future, affection, intimacy, and compliments. Somewhere along the line that seemed to fade the more I help him in other areas. I grew resentment for how much I was doing, but not getting what I was used to getting in return. It is possible that my resentment showed and I was so worried about being hurt that is when the wall of defense came up. How many may think "well maybe you were doing the right thing to protect yourself" or "trust your gut". I would normally agree if I didn't have outside assessments of how I came off to people. I was so blocked from getting hurt and being the "badass" girl that many people (clientele) at work thought I didn't like them, I wasn't really warm and inviting, etc. There are some people that said "well you looked like you had a lot on you and I just thought you kept to yourself but you weren't unfriendly". So I have some mixed assessments, but 4 people have said I have a bit of an attitude problem. To be fair, another outside source would be my deceased husband's mother. She knows I have this thing where if I feel controlled or backed into a corner I tend to attack. This is what happens so many times when I felt I needed to "defend" myself and sometimes I perceived a threat that wasn't there. Now my fiance never struck me or done anything physically threatening, but he yelled and said cruel things. I forgive cruel words because I have thrown them myself in fits of anger and it was hard to control. It was almost like I had NO control and I couldn't stop myself. That is how they knew I dissociate during rage. The anger stems from pain and I try to disconnect from pain. The arguments spin out of control because I dissociate during anger and let things go haywire instead of finding other coping skills to "fight fair". Now that doesn't mean I should put up with disrespect and I will stand my ground there, I just need to be more aware in my reactions to diffuse a situation so it doesn't go to far.
I do not want to dig up details of past events right now because that will be processed in therapy. If that is even part of some of this issue. Right now a lot of my hurt and confusion lies with a person that says they love me, but won't be at my side like he used to. I guess I view love differently that you always stand by their side when they are hurting. It's not for you to save them, but make sure they do not falter as they save themselves. To show them there is a better way of being. Not to tell the how they should be or what is the right way, but to bring out the better of them and be together. I continue to pray on that while meditating for healing and strength. Some days it has been better than others. I had a slip up yesterday picking up vibes from a client at work (he seems more negative than he plays himself to be) I found myself getting loud and worked up. I was quickly restored, but I am still learning. Who knows where I will go next.
