I used this blog years ago to post fitness related stuff. Now it has a new meaning. I am not sure if people still blog, but I figured this would help make it easier to journal.
For the last few months my relationship became shaking and arguments grew more intense. I am not going to take 100% of the blame, but my anger, temper, and verbal backlash surely didn't help things. It is okay to be angry, but never okay to be cruel. My fiance walked out and I was devastated. He said I needed help, so I actually sought help. Upon explaining my anger and experiences, she determined I had Complex-PTSD. This is PTSD that alters that brain to constantly be on alert because of a life lived with constant danger and trauma.
In the meantime, I have meditated over bible scriptures for healing, controlling anger, and changing my view of the world. This is my start to be a better person. I have suffered a difficult life with my last trauma experiences being the death of my first husband and the imprisonment of my brother for sexually abusing my daughter. I am sure a lot of my anger stems from trying to "survive" and not break down.
In the meantime I am trying to reach out to my fiance. He has also had some bad hands dealt to him. He comes and goes since he still lives here. It's been difficult because all I want to do is hug him and heal all our hurts. However, while I am trying to improve my mood I am praying that God will touch his heart and help him change some ways as well so that we both can come together.
So far I am focused on the hurt of the loss of my relationship. I also have fear of him being with someone else, talking bad about me, etc. My fears may or may not be unfounded, but therapy will help me with those coping skills. During our relationship I accused him of cheating, not caring about me, not loving me and using/taking advantage of me. It is possible he never did any of this and just got tired of being accused. I am sure he got tired of the arguments, but I also fear being controlled and led to danger by another person. It's my survival mode.
I will be returning to therapy this week. I am going to try to get her to guide me where I need to look for the source of my pain. My childhood was no picnic, but I have had therapy in the past (while my first husband was alive). I may still have lingering pain or just re-triggered because of my brother, my husbands death, and building a new life with a new man.
I will try in the meantime to get out more pain of the past and current fears/pain that may be holding me back.
