Tomorrow I have another therapy appointment. I am hoping by all I tell her we can start to get through things. I think in a sense, the comfort of how well my husband knew me is what I miss and that is what is triggering my emotional dysregulation the most. My husband used to help me a lot in my former therapy about my childhood abuse. He knew how to "fight" with me during our arguments, when to comfort me, when to scold me, when to leave me be, and when I needed to talk. I don't think I realized how much then, that this man was emotionally connected to me. Now that the only person that can understand, defend, and help pull me out of my headspace is gone, I realize I am trying to fight demons on my own and I never truly learned how. When I finally fell in love again, I was expecting someone to know me the same way and that wasn't fair that person. I still expect clarity and communication and him to listen and respond appropriately, but it is not his job to pull me out of darkness when I get angry or sad. I just want his job to be at my side while I learn to save myself and to love me for being that spirit that can do it herself.
As far as his open relationship suggestion was concerned I was considering it IF there were A LOT of questions he can answer and boundaries we can agree upon. I still do not like this idea. Even when I tried to talk to him about it last night, he was accusing me of wanting to sleep with other people. I never did and never will. I can't. When I love someone, I love them and no one in the world even registers to me on an attraction level in that way. I must be out of mind to try this just to save a relationship. A lot of people do this I guess, but I figured if it's short lived would it be that bad? I don't know. I don't like the idea of sharing like this, but I love him that much. I don't think my heart could be broken much more than right now anyway. I really wish he would consider spending more time at home, because no matter what is going on, I still want a family life with him. I don't know, I am just going crazy with it. I am hoping I can hang on and get what I need in the end. I am still praying about it. He doesn't answer much if he wants to work things out or not, he just made this offer. I have so many questions and concerns that I wish were addressed.
So I start my day panicked and worried. I may be having a hard time concentrating today, but I am hoping I can still keep that smile on my face that I always been trying to. Everyone says they see the change, but when it comes back to the relationship I, I just fall apart because I want to put it back to when we were so happy and spent time together. I don't let many know what is going on. They all know we broke up and that is about it. I just need clarity.
