It has been interesting how small things have transpired. After telling fiance about my sister, it eventually led to discussion of my dad. I see I may also have some harbored resentment towards my father for not doing more to make sure we were safe, despite how the relationship between he and my mom went. Eventually that topic turned to fiance talking to people, but not seeing anyone. He seems to be more friendlier towards me and is trying to help more. However, I still don't like this in between crap and prefer if a decision were to be made soon.
Back to the dad thing. So at one point during this dark childhood, my dad got custody of my younger brother and myself (his biological kids, my sisters belonged to my step dad). I am not going to say all rainbows and unicorns because I had a taste of freedom and man did I want more, but nope step mommy had rules. Fine, I guess. School at the time was no better than other places. I was bullied, isolated, felt out of place, felt stupid etc. So nope, wasn't all sunshine. I guess it wasn't at home for my brother either. Between his hearing and his ADHD my step mother had a hard time. She didn't want us anymore or something to that effect and we were sent back to hell. Things were worse and eventually we were moved out state where it was even worse (more to follow as this opens up.) I am sure my step dad didn't make it easy for my dad to contact us so I will forgive him there. Part of the control was making sure no one could help my mom or the kids so step dad had to make sure ties were cut and no one could readily get to us if things got worse.
After one incident and a hospital stay, I saw my dad before custody was granted to my grandparents. It was the last time I ever seen him. We had to contacts later years, but nothing great transpired whether I didn't want to hear his excuses or I just wasn't in the right frame of mind to find any understanding for his behavior.
After finding an older sister, she had similar experiences and feelings as well. She said it took her a long time to forgive my dad. I guess I am in the same boat. My fiance feels it is time I pretty much forgive, let go of grudges and try to understand. I am not sure I can, I feel a lot of fear with this one. Therapy is on Wednesday so I will try to discuss a plan of that with my therapist. In the meantime I am trying to go back to bible verses for some comfort and lessons.
